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Hello and welcome to Happily Ever After.
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It's me, Hannah.
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And today I am coming live from a very warm north of England,
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which is exciting because it hasn't been warm here for about a year.
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And I also am coming to you live from the day that my ex-husband is getting married.
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So today I wanted to talk about
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When your ex moves on,
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my experience of this and what worked at making me feel better and crucially,
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what didn't work.
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So yes, for context, my ex-husband is getting married today.
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So yeah, the story around him getting with this person is
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We had been split up for about three months.
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There'd been a lot of talk about whether or not we would get back together.
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I was very firmly,
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and those of you who've read my book will know this,
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I was very firmly in the place that I needed him to stop drinking and stop doing
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the other things he'd been doing.
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And
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Everything I'd read about kind of addiction and I'm not saying he was addicted,
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but there was definitely issues.
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And my feeling was they were so negative and having such a negative impact on our relationship.
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I couldn't do it anymore.
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And I tried everything possible to encourage him to stop.
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And there've been times that it worked and times that it hadn't.
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And generally it's a bit of a rollercoaster.
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So if you want the full jam of what happened,
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especially useful,
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I guess,
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if you are in this position and you know what I'm talking about,
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it might not be drink,
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it might not be drugs for you.
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It might be something else that's having a negative impact on your relationship.
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I'd highly recommend you read my book, How To Divorce Sober.
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And yeah, so...
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I'd got to the point where I was like,
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I don't know what else to do because we're just going round in a circle and it's
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finishing me off.
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And I can't keep doing it because my nervous system is fried.
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I'm having panic attacks.
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And I was dealing with my own alcohol issues on top of this and my own sense of who
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I was and what I needed in life to feel content.
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I was completely disassociated with
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the things that were important to me other than keeping myself alive and my children.
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So when I left,
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I was like,
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this,
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he has to do this because he wants to,
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it can't be because I'm telling him to,
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it can't be for the reason that if he does this,
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it means he gets me back because I'll never feel safe because he's done that before.
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Do you know what I mean?
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So,
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I was like,
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I left going,
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if I leave and he thinks this is for good and then he gets himself sober and he
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does it for himself,
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then we'll be in a much better place and we'll be able to start again.
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So that was it.
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I sent him away, even though I was mad in love, I didn't want this to be over.
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I was like, I've got to do this because it's either him or me kind of thing.
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And I wanted my kids to still have their mum
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And it literally,
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it got to the point where I felt like they might lose me because I was just so lost
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in it all.
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Yeah.
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So he,
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he done the right steps,
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but it had been only three months and he came to me and said,
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I'm doing all the right things.
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Can we get back together again now?
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And I said, no, because I still didn't feel safe.
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I didn't trust my own judgment.
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I didn't trust him.
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I needed more time.
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I needed to feel like there was more evidence other than just the,
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you know,
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the bare minimum to say that everything's okay now and everything's changed.
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So I said, no, I wanted a divorce.
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And then two weeks later, he came to see me and said he'd met someone and it was,
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So such an important relationship to him that he felt I needed to know now,
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like things were moving quickly.
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I'm like, feels never so familiar.
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Like I can look back and say that now, in the moment, looking furious.
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I was devastated.
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It was all of the things I had been afraid of
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when we were in our relationship that made me not want to leave.
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So,
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you know,
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in those moments of panic,
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when I was like,
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I am stuck in this situation because if I leave,
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I will be left with nothing.
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He will replace me immediately with somebody else and my kids will get a new mum, basically.
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That's how I felt.
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So obviously I'm still recovering myself from everything that's gone on and
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It's super early days and my plan had not fucking worked.
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Yeah, so I spiraled pretty bad.
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I went into a pretty deep place quite quickly of I am useless,
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I'm unlovable,
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I'm vacant,
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not enough.
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All the stuff I talk about in my book
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It was like the triggers that started my issues with drinking in the first place.
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I felt like I was a terrible mum because I was so broken.
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I couldn't enjoy anything.
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Yeah, I spiralled.
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I used things.
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I wasn't drinking, so I had at least that one thread of feeling like I had an achievement.
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But, you know,
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Addiction replacement is a real goddamn thing.
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And I was doing it.
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I was either starving myself because I was like,
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I have to look good enough because clearly as a human being on the inside,
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I'm not worthy of love and I'm replaceable.
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So I would either not eat or binge eat.
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And it was this constant cycle of like the famine and the feast, the rollercoaster.
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All this stuff I'd had in my relationship,
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ironically,
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I was then replacing and doing it to myself.
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You know, losing whole days, just lying on the sofa, eating crap, watching telly.
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And then the next week being like hyper-focused, getting shit done.
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I'm gonna prove to the world that I am smart enough, that I'm enough, that I'm not vacant.
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And then burning out by the end of the week and starting the whole thing again.
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So to add onto this, I then started to lean on Tinder.
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I'm like, I need a man to tell me that I am good enough because right now I feel like shit.
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I don't feel safe.
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And I need somebody who's an authority over me lol.
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to tell me that I'm pretty and I'm smart.
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So pretty quickly got into another fairly long-term relationship with the first
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person I met on Tinder.
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You know,
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nice enough guy,
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but the problem with this solution is it's literally a sticking plaster.
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It's just looking for another external thing to make me feel good in the moment.
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And I wasn't healed.
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So I was now bringing a new person into a situation where I was broken,
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looking to them to see if they can fix me.
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They cannot.
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And I'll tell you why this was not a good strategy because I also had a whole bunch
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of really positive tools in my toolkit that were coming to me from loads of
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different sources.
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Now, the first one was that I was manifesting on a daily basis.
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So even amidst all of the chaos and my negative self-sabotaging behavior,
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I was still getting in a place every morning,
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which was positive.
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I was still focusing my conscious and subconscious thought patterns around the
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things I do actually want in my life.
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And so these things were coming in to my life
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without me even really having to do very much.
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So it's like,
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it's all the tools that I talk about in my book,
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but it's the things like the talking therapies,
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you know,
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they really helped as a sounding board because basically they've heard it all.
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So I was able to go into my therapy sessions and be like,
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these are all the things that happened.
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knowing that they would have heard the same worse,
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not as bad,
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like all the spectrum of the world.
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I felt like I could no longer live in a place of fear and live in a place where
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secrets ruled my life because that had got me absolutely nowhere.
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It had left me feeling full of shame and
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made my marriage explode or implode or whatever the word is.
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So I knew from then on, I had to speak the truth because the truth sets you free.
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It also really helped to sound some of this stuff off with them first,
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because then I was able to get a feel for how my friends and family might react
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because it was really important that I started being radically honest with everybody.
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So being able to go to my parents and be very honest about the alcohol,
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the drugs and all the other things.
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Oh my God, I could honestly cry.
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The liberation you feel when you're able to tell the people you love about the
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things you fear the most and for them not to reject you is really powerful.
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It's so healing.
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To know,
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like it doesn't,
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you might not have a great relationship with your family,
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but I bet you you've got family who are not related to you,
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who love you.
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And to be able to speak to them and tell them what you're feeling,
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what you're fearing,
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all of your worst stuff will set you free,
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genuinely.
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And these people may not stay in your life forever, but in that season of your life when you
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need to be held and feel safe it's it's going to be a big one so and i had that and
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i i believe that all of this stuff came is because i was doing this active 10
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minutes in the morning going this is what i really want this is but not what i want
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saying is if it's happened so happy and grateful my kids are safe i'm so happy and
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grateful that i'm surrounded by people who love me and support me that was like a
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freaking mantra for me i'm like
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Please let there be these people in my life because I am losing it.
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Okay, the other thing I did was yoga.
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I didn't really, to be honest, I probably went into it going, I need to be fit and strong.
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I need to be fit and strong so that I prove to be good enough for the next person that I'm with.
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I need to look good.
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And it turns out it's been, yeah, the biggest lifeline, really.
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I think if I went in it going,
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yoga's gonna save my life,
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I would have been like,
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yeah,
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not today,
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thanks.
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I'm too busy, downward spiring, thank you.
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So going and being like, right, I'm gonna go in and be strong and skinny.
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That was the main goal.
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That was fine.
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Turns out it did save my life, but don't let it put you off.
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Because the big thing about forest yoga,
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the type of yoga I've been doing,
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is you start every class with an intention.
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So I learned that just from the intention of breathing into your shoulders,
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I learned that I store in my shoulders all of my negative self-belief.
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So I always have this knot down the side of my neck.
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It may always be there.
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But I'm working on it and I know it's there.
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And I know that what lives in this bit of my neck is a belief that I'm not good enough,
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I'm vacant,
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I'm a piece of shit,
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et cetera.
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All the nasty things that your brain says to you.
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Mine lives here in my shoulder.
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So I learned that through yoga.
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I also learned that my fear lives in the front of my left hip.
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And I learned through breathing into my hips during one of the intentions that fear,
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no,
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not fear,
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my stories.
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So all of these old stories that I've forgotten about,
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they live in my hips,
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in my pelvis,
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this kind of space.
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I'd never have known that unless I did yoga.
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the more that I have done this stuff,
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the more that I've learned that our bodies store so much information.
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It's like just isn't available to our conscious mind.
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So we may learn something on a conscious level,
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but until our bodies feel safe and understand the same information,
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we are going to continue to be triggered.
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So that's not,
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great, really.
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And yeah,
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basically until we lay lean into slowing down,
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listening to our bodies,
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we're kind of,
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it's like this self sabotage and continue on because our bodies want to keep us safe.
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And what feels safe to our bodies is what is familiar.
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And what is familiar isn't necessarily what we want.
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So we don't wanna keep repeating the old patterns, repeating the old behaviors.
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So in order to move on,
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to get to the things that we actually want,
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it requires us to do quite a lot of work with our bodies.
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And so in every class that I was taking and continue to take, and even the ones I teach,
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I'm teaching my body like new ways of understanding and feeling the intentions and
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the ideals that I want.
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So in my class tomorrow,
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it's a free plus to kind of share what Venus Yoga is all about and giving people an
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opportunity to try it out.
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The class, sorry, it's tonight, is the theme, the intention is freedom.
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And this is for me as much as everyone else.
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My ex-husband's getting married.
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It's like, yeah, I know on a logical level that this is a good thing.
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Like, please go and be happy and fall in love with this other person.
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That's marvelous.
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I want you to be together forever and have a really steady, stable relationship.
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So my kids are happy.
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On a physical level, there's still shit going on.
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So
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I still need to embody this feeling of what is freedom to me now that he is gone,
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he is fully out.
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This is closure.
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We will embody that feeling, whatever it is you've got going on.
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Maybe you've got somebody you need to cut out your life.
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Maybe you've got old habits that you want to stop doing.
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Maybe you want to feel free from illness or could be so many different things.
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And through the practice of this yoga,
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we're going to teach the body how to do it in a safe way how to feel free and
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actually enjoy it because some of us really like actually feeling enclosed and
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constricted I know I do like there's kinks are there for a reason like some people
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really like feeling tied up right and so maybe there's a
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alternative version of you that likes not being free so how can we help the body
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feel safe and free we do it by embodying it in yoga so that's what we're doing
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tomorrow and then the other thing about every time I did a yoga class is that I was
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learning something new about myself like oh what is held in my left butt cheek or
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How do I feel when I breathe in a certain way?
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What emotions come up if I breathe love and kindness into my body?
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Weird shit happens.
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So yeah, what I also found is that I learned how to love what was coming up.
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So when all this weird stuff was coming up that I didn't even know was there,
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I was able to kind of
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look at it like I'm looking at it from the outside, you know?
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So like,
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it's as if a friend was coming to me and saying this stuff and I was able to greet
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whatever it was with compassion and be like,
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it's okay,
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you're all right.
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It's gonna be okay.
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And be kind of curious with it rather than judging what came up or feeling content
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for who I was.
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or for whatever the feelings were that were coming up.
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Like that's a gift to be able to look at our triggers without going into them and feeling them.
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And obviously sometimes these triggers will come up and you know,
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I spent a lot of time crying on the yoga mat.
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Not everybody does,
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but that was the way that I process stuff was through letting it out,
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just letting it out.
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So yeah, I had all these tools
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that I was leaning on unintentionally, that it meant I was starting to heal.
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And it became very obvious as I was starting to heal that in my new relationship,
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my new Tinder thing,
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I was repeating old patterns and I was repeating old behaviors.
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And I was also accepting old patterns and behaviors in this new relationship.
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It was like history repeating itself because I hadn't,
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I'd let a trigger start a new relationship,
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which was the same,
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not as bad as the old one for sure,
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but it wasn't at all aligned with how I felt about myself now and how I was
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learning to feel about myself.
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Like I had no boundaries in place to protect myself, my values,
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the things I wanted from the relationship, how I wanted to be treated.
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And like I say, it wasn't as bad as it was before.
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It still wasn't really honoring what I wanted or what I actually deserve from a relationship.
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And then I got to kind of practice something I really hated.
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you have to look at these things as like a gift from the universe otherwise um we
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never learn do we so for me I really dislike confrontation and I really just hate
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having to advocate for myself so kind of saying I don't like
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this behavior or I don't want this anymore was my worst nightmare.
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And I got to practice it by saying, I don't want to be in this relationship anymore.
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And, you know, did it.
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And then came, you know, got back to the place where I was single again.
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And that's when all the odd feelings come up again.
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You know, I'm not happy being a single person because I don't feel like an enough.
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So I hadn't quite healed enough in order to feel comfortable being single,
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which meant I then repeated this pattern for a few more years until I finally
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stopped doing it.
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You know,
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it's the same as drinking really,
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but I was doing it with men that weren't necessarily right for me.
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So that's when I had to quit dating.
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And there's an episode on the podcast, can't quite remember the number where I share
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my dating band where I'm like, that's it.
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I've got to stop doing this because I'm going round and round in circles.
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And I needed that space to finally heal,
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to finally,
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you know,
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room to breathe,
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room to really look at what it was I wanted.
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Room to love myself.
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And
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room to dream again that actually there was somebody out there for me who was
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exactly what I wanted and what I needed and what would make me feel good and happy
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and content and held and safe and excited,
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like all of those things.
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I'd got myself to a place where I'm like, they just don't exist.
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And I'm here to tell you that is fucking bullshit.
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There is the right person out there for each of us.
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I 100% believe it,
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but our job is to learn how to be the version of ourselves that can meet that person.
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So yeah,
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then I met the man of my dreams and I've been with him for 18 months now and I love
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him to the moon and back in times infinity,
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all of that stuff.
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However,
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That doesn't mean that my ex getting married isn't a bit of a weird feeling.
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It's a bit jarring.
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Like on a mental level, like I've told you, yes, go and get married.
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But on a physical level,
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there's still a bit of me that's like,
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and this is not something conscious.
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I found this out yesterday.
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A friend of mine was practicing doing somatic healing.
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I put my hand up and said, yes, please, I'll have some.
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And then at the very end,
(00:24:33):
I got the whoosh of like,
(00:24:35):
I am really pissed off about this situation that I didn't know I had.
(00:24:40):
It came up, it left.
(00:24:42):
And then I got this deep sense of peace that felt really connected to my mom and
(00:24:47):
just feeling held in that motherly space,
(00:24:51):
which was so beautiful.
(00:24:53):
Yeah.
(00:24:57):
And I think unless I'd used these tools that I'm talking about and got to a space
(00:25:02):
where I could feel this stuff without necessarily spiraling and doing all the
(00:25:09):
negative stuff I've talked about,
(00:25:11):
yeah,
(00:25:14):
I would have struggled,
(00:25:15):
I think,
(00:25:16):
at the moment.
(00:25:17):
But yeah, all sorts of stuff is going on at the moment with my ex that
(00:25:24):
in the olden times I would have felt super triggered by,
(00:25:28):
but,
(00:25:29):
you know,
(00:25:30):
I've just learned to do it in a compassionate way,
(00:25:37):
I guess.
(00:25:38):
So as feelings come up, kind of going, well, that's interesting.
(00:25:42):
Like, what's the word?
(00:25:46):
Like, disconnecting from feelings, meaning this is who I am, I guess, because
(00:25:56):
A lot of the things that we feel will have come,
(00:25:58):
some of it will have been inherited even like through our own ancestral line.
(00:26:03):
Like we can't take full responsibility for everything we feel.
(00:26:07):
Some of it comes from trauma and a shitload of that.
(00:26:11):
So I can get triggered by very weird things that have,
(00:26:15):
wouldn't necessarily trigger you and vice versa.
(00:26:18):
So we have to like, look at these things with real compassion and then, yeah.
(00:26:24):
The other side of it all is giving myself space to feel that and not judge it,
(00:26:29):
but then also not put too much pressure to prove to him the world or whatever else
(00:26:36):
that I'm not vacant.
(00:26:37):
And, you know, it's all a work in progress and things are going to come up every day.
(00:26:44):
Even when you've got the tools,
(00:26:45):
it doesn't mean that,
(00:26:47):
oh,
(00:26:47):
I'm never going to feel anything anymore.
(00:26:49):
That's absolute bullshit because we're literally here to feel stuff.
(00:26:53):
I want to feel all of the things and not be afraid to feel them because in the past
(00:27:00):
I didn't feel anything.
(00:27:02):
And that's a much worse place to be, much, much worse.
(00:27:05):
All I wanted to do was numb.
(00:27:10):
So an interesting thing I'll share with you is that what I've learned over the
(00:27:15):
years is that I was always looking to feel safe.
(00:27:21):
So I was...
(00:27:22):
doing all the things,
(00:27:25):
like reaching for all these things externally to make me feel better,
(00:27:28):
to make me feel safe.
(00:27:30):
And what I learned this week is that it was in me all along.
(00:27:35):
So I did a little exercise this week with some of my clients,
(00:27:39):
some of my one-to-one clients and my yoga students.
(00:27:44):
And I basically wanted to get a feel for what it is that they feel like they get from me.
(00:27:50):
Like, what is my value?
(00:27:53):
And the number one thing that came back is that I help people feel safe.
(00:28:02):
I help people feel safe.
(00:28:04):
I help them feel seen, understood, like they can do things and I help them feel safe.
(00:28:10):
And I'm like, how ironic is that?
(00:28:13):
That all of the times that I wanted to, you know, I wanted to feel safe and seen and understood
(00:28:22):
like I can get shit done.
(00:28:23):
And I've already got it inside me.
(00:28:27):
That's just wild to me that instead of pouring all of my energy and attention into
(00:28:35):
seeking external validation and,
(00:28:38):
you know,
(00:28:40):
drinking or trying to numb,
(00:28:44):
Like I've learned now over this horrible process that I've been through that
(00:28:50):
actually I can do it for myself because I do it for other people.
(00:28:57):
And I know the chances are that the thing that you most want to feel in the world
(00:29:03):
is the thing that you help other people feel when you're around them,
(00:29:08):
I bet you.
(00:29:09):
So if at the moment you're feeling like
(00:29:13):
I want to feel X,
(00:29:15):
Y,
(00:29:16):
Z.
(00:29:18):
I beg you,
(00:29:19):
that's the gift that you already have,
(00:29:22):
which is fucking exciting.
(00:29:24):
So yeah, I feel like that has got to be a clue as to what our value is in the world.
(00:29:31):
So instead of being like, I wish I felt safe, if I could go, oh my God, I help people feel safe.
(00:29:38):
I can do that for myself.
(00:29:41):
I don't know.
(00:29:42):
I don't know how necessarily you do that when you're in it,
(00:29:44):
but I do know that there are amazing tools to help you get to that place where
(00:29:51):
you're like,
(00:29:53):
not a waste of space after all.
(00:29:55):
I bring value and I can support myself.
(00:29:59):
I can be an amazing mom.
(00:30:01):
I can look after my finances.
(00:30:05):
I can find the love of my life and I don't need to find them right now because
(00:30:09):
right now I'm concentrating on
(00:30:11):
feeling the thing that I want to feel and I'm gonna get there.
(00:30:17):
Yeah,
(00:30:18):
it feels like that when you're not being true to yourself or when you're not caring
(00:30:22):
for yourself or honoring your own needs,
(00:30:25):
that's when we try and look for that thing that actually we already have.
(00:30:33):
So something to think about.
(00:30:34):
Let me know if that resonates, I'd love to hear.
(00:30:36):
But yeah, it's definitely a journey.
(00:30:42):
I have learned everything you can the hard way.
(00:30:46):
But the good news is that the amount of money I've spent,
(00:30:51):
all the other stuff,
(00:30:52):
you don't need to because I now teach it.
(00:30:55):
I share this stuff.
(00:30:56):
So if you would like to work one-to-one with me, just get in touch.
(00:31:02):
You can message me on Instagram at Hannah Harvey UK or drop me an email and it's
(00:31:09):
all in the show notes.
(00:31:10):
So just head there.
(00:31:12):
And I've got various different packages to support you with that.
(00:31:16):
We can start with just a chat about what's going on right now and work it out from there.
(00:31:20):
And that chat is free, of course.
(00:31:23):
Come and like, just have a coffee and we'll work out via Zoom, obviously, if you're not nearby.
(00:31:30):
Yeah, we'll work out what you need.
(00:31:31):
And then if you are looking for just dipping your toe into this whole idea of what
(00:31:41):
yoga could do for you we'll start off with sexy body if that helps um then come to
(00:31:49):
the free yoga tonight um i'm also sending out replays so if you have got this after
(00:31:56):
tonight you can still sign up and i'll send you the replay um so that is in the
(00:32:01):
show notes
(00:32:02):
And then the other thing I've got specifically for divorcing mums right now is a
(00:32:07):
free mini course that will support you.
(00:32:09):
It's like a seven day bite size activity to do.
(00:32:13):
And it will take you from feeling like shit to feeling much calmer and hopefully
(00:32:19):
connecting in with that thing that you do for other people that you can do for yourself.
(00:32:24):
That'd be really beautiful.
(00:32:26):
So again, head to the show notes for that.
(00:32:30):
uh oh yeah and then the other exciting thing I've got starting soon is called magic
(00:32:36):
divorce club and this is where I'm going to share much more about this side of
(00:32:44):
divorce which was literally just the magic so all of the alchemy around um the
(00:32:52):
thought process the body work
(00:32:56):
the calling in of the things that you need getting yourself into the right mindset
(00:33:01):
so that you can have the best divorce and the best outcome of your divorce that you
(00:33:09):
possibly can because oh my god there's just so many reasons why women need support
(00:33:16):
going through divorce and I will be covering them all over the next few weeks as we
(00:33:21):
start to launch this
(00:33:22):
like this club that I hope you will come and join if that's where you are at or
(00:33:26):
share it with any of your pals that are sadly going through this shitty,
(00:33:32):
shitty time,
(00:33:33):
which is also potentially the best thing that could ever happen to you in my experience.
(00:33:39):
Okay.
(00:33:40):
So yeah, that's how it felt to have my ex move on.
(00:33:47):
Um,
(00:33:50):
But yeah,
(00:33:52):
it's like also such a wonderful gift to get to a place where it doesn't fucking
(00:33:59):
matter anymore.
(00:34:00):
And you just wish them the best.
(00:34:02):
So I pray that you will get there because obviously,
(00:34:07):
as I explained,
(00:34:08):
I was not there for quite some time,
(00:34:10):
but keep the faith.
(00:34:13):
You will get to a place where you're like, thank God for that.
(00:34:18):
What a gift.
(00:34:20):
Okay, loads of love.
